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Qtalk: Advice about queer love, heartbreak, painful sex

LGBTQ+ Nigerians benefit from the support provided by volunteer counselors via the Qtalk app, which is supported by this site and by the St. Paul’s Foundation for International Reconciliation.

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By Mike Daemon

Dealing with feelings of disappointment and heartbreak

Timothy, a 23-year old bisexual man, is battling feelings of rejection and disappointment as a result of several failed relationships.

In his support request, he wrote:

I feel completely rejected and unwanted. All the people I have dated become uninterested after a few months. I try so hard to keep the relationship going but, in the end, nothing works, it all falls apart. I feel like there’s no real love in the gay world. I have been feeling very heartbroken recently.

In a response to his request, the counselor stated that his feelings were valid and also that it was completely normal for people to feel empty and disappointed after putting a lot of energy into a relationship that ended badly.

The counselor also mentioned that, while as it’s been somewhat challenging for him to enjoy a healthy relationship with persons of the same sex, the possibility of finding love or anything good requires patience.

To help Timothy cope with the situation and to aid healing, the counselor suggested that he get out more, stay busy and also start exercising or, better still, learn a new skill.

Timothy is still receiving support from the counselor.

Trans woman beaten and raped, seeks help and shelter

Edith, a trans woman in Northern Nigeria, is on the run after escaping from a group of three men who beat and raped her.

In her support request, she wrote:

The world is indeed very wicked. Three men gang-raped me for seven days with my hands tied. I am in pain. I have been living with my sister, but now I just can’t go home because I might be exposed and here, they treat us like gay men. I need a place to stay.

In a response to her request, the counselor sympathized with her situation and after reviewing the accompanying images, referred her to a trans group in the North where they have been providing shelter and other support. Edith remains in therapy and seems to be stable.

She’s also had some tests done to rule out STDs or any other infections.

Gay man worries about the distance from his partner and trust issues

Andrew, a gay man, says his long-distance relationship might be at the brink as he and his partner struggle to sustain trust and connection.

In his support request he wrote:

It’s been about two months now since my boyfriend moved to another city. We seem to be arguing quite a lot and he has suggested a few times that we break up because of the distance. I don’t trust him anymore. I think he is just seeing someone else and doesn’t know how to tell me. God, it hurts so much.

In a response to his request, the counselor stated that indeed distance actually does cause some people to feel disconnected from their romantic partners. However, the counselor suggested that constant communication also helps.

It can be hard if any of the partners do not have realistic plans to relocate. Not having this clearly planned out can lead to frustration for both partners and can fuel some type of bitterness and anger which can eventually take a toll on the relationship.

The counselor also suggested that speaking to his partner honestly about what he really needs would be helpful. If he has suggested strongly that they break up, then that should also be considered as no one wants to remain in a relationship that isn’t making them happy.

Andrew is still actively receiving support and exploring options and his next steps.

Lesbian battles loneliness and difficulties with making friends

A 24-year old lesbian says she feels very lonely and finds it hard to make friends.

In her support request, she wrote:

I really need help. I can’t make friends, I am always very lonely, and I think no one likes me or wants me around them.

In a response to her support request, the counselor stated that it was completely possible and normal for most people to find it challenging to make friends. However, the counselor also advised that she needed to put herself out there more to widen the possibility for her to connect with other people.

The counselor suggested a few things such as joining a queer online group and generally being on the lookout since queer people can be found anywhere. The counselor also stated that she doesn’t need to be friends with only queer people as there are heterosexual people out there who are open-minded and won’t have a problem with her sexuality.

Making good friends is generally a challenging task and the counselor advised that she needed to be intentional about it.

Gay man complains about anal pains during and after sex

Zack, a 22-year old gay man, says he finds anal sex painful.

In his support request, he wrote:

I don’t enjoy sex, especially when I am being penetrated by my partner. It is usually so painful even after I am done. Please what can I do?

In a response to his request, the counselor mentioned that, under normal conditions, anal sex isn’t supposed to be uncomfortable. A few factors could contribute to anal sex being unpleasurable. The counselor stated that one of those could be as simple as not applying sufficient lube and also if he wasn’t relaxed.

The counselor also mentioned that not everyone likes anal sex. If anal sex is painful, it should not be continued at the risk of  injuries.